1997 BMW 740il - needs a new battery

1997 BMW 7-Series Description

Have you ever seen a woman from a distance and thought, "Wow...for her age she is REALLY pulled together...." and then the closer you get you realize that it was all a mirage and that she actually is probably kept together with duct tape, bubble gum and crossed fingers? Well, this car is a bit like that. It looks good from a distance. But it is firetruck engine hot mess when you get up to it.
My husband (bless his little heart) has been in denial about having the time to finally fix her up and sell her for what she's worth...until now. I will tell you every bad thing that you want to know about the car that I know of and freely admit there is probably a sh*t ton that's wrong that we just haven't discovered yet.
First of all, we were in Charleston, SC many years ago and drove through a puddle and - SURPRISE!! Blew the engine. Apparently the air intake thingy on this car is remarkably low to the ground as we watched tiny cars drive through without any issue. Our insurance company replaced the engine with a used one and it worked fine. And we've since avoided driving in the rain like a case of the clap, having learned that lesson the hard way.
We haven't driven it in at least a year. Maybe two. It's nicely melting into the driveway. Our neighbors haven't mentioned this but I'm sure that they appreciate that at least it's a higher-end dead car decorating the exterior of our home, rather than like your basic burned out yugo up on blocks. We are classy like that.
So, more bad news. The battery is dead. Needs new tires due to the whole letting it melt into the driveway thing, my husband says there is a "short in the electrical harness" which apparently means that none of the electronics work in the back half of the car. None!! LOL. I'm guessing that means windows and locks?? If there are other electrical things back there I'm unaware of them. The front drivers seat looks like rabid animals tried to find buried treasure in it...in fact the entire interior looks like homeless people may have roosted there a night or two. But rest assured...there were no rodents or homeless people. Only my blessed children who have treated the car like an unmoving activity on a playground. (I've included photo evidence of this type of activity above.)
The "good" news is that the body is "pretty good". Like you wouldn't throw up or anything if you saw it.
So I'm guessing that this would be a good purchase for someone who needs a descent 740il body. The engine should be pretty good still...it's younger than the car by a few years due to the whole unfortunate puddle situation I mentioned earlier.
But you will definitely need a tow truck and a sense of humor if you decide you actually want to take this POS off of our hands. I'll be eternally grateful if that matters.
Also, the mileage is approximate as we can't see it without a battery in place. It may be a bit higher or lower. Pick up is in Marietta, GA and anyone is welcome to swing by and see it. Also, cash only please. Thanks! :)
On Jan-03-17 at 18:21:44 PST, seller added the following information:

Update: Some nice guy came by yesterday to look at the car and he had this cool battery charger thingy that he hooked up to the car and to our utter shock - it started right up. Don't get me wrong...it's still in need of a ton of work. But at least we know it's not completely dead. lol
Also, please note that the windshield has a crack in it. It doesn't leak...but it's definitely there. And in case it's not clear in any of the above or below...this car is a piece of crap that I hate with a hot, white, flaming passion. There are no warranties or guarantees. Like at all. But we are happy to answer any additional questions and welcome you to swing by our place in Marietta and check it out for yourself. :)